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Well, is it?

It's not intense, it's not life-threatening, but there it is - that low grade, constant, slightly nauseating, kinda cramping, squeezing pain in the pit of my abdomen. And it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I have to go to the bathroom so very, very often. And every time I do, there's the blood. And over the days and the past few weeks I've become fatigued. I feel like someone is constantly draining my energy, my life away. I'm losing blood, losing water, and probably losing weight again as well. I try to drink more, though I am not thirsty, try to eat, though I am not hungry. The iron supplements can only replenish so much at a time, so my fatigue may be explained by anemia. Again. But I'm so very tired of all of the pills - so help me, I never thought a person who wasn't technically dying would ever need to take so many fucking pills. And now, in just a little over 2 hours I have to go back to the doctor. I don't know what he's going to tell me. I have to go through a procedure I haven't ever dealt with before. I'm just tired of being sick, then getting better, only to relapse into sickness again. I imagine he'll tell me one of two things, either
1. The Azathioprine isn't working and he'll put me on Humira or Remicade or
2. I get to add another disease/disorder to my resume

My life has been on hold ever since I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I can't get a job, I have no money to go out, I have little energy and my resolve is being slowly crushed. My support group is small - there is only my husband and my parents. The few close friends I had in college all moved away and got married themselves. My last friend is just a name on the computer screen, occasionally IMing me just to complain about one thing or another. I spend almost all of my time in my house now, since I have little money, little energy, and no friends. I like shopping alot, even if I spend nothing, but it's decidedly depressing walk about all alone. The realization feels like a november wind blowing on your skin. I sleep away the days and stay up half the night. I sleep alot then, too. Everyone tells me Crohn's is so "manageable" and all, but I did not anticipate the effects of the prednisone, the arthritis in my knees and ankles, the pleurisy in my chest cavity, and the feeling of being pitied. My mother and my husband both tell me that the stigma of being "diseased" is something that only I see, but I know it's there. Up until now everything had seemed so benign, so easy to exaplin away to myself. Lots of people have asthma so it's no big deal right? But the pharmacist came out and personally told me all about how science has given us many new medications to treat this disease. I didn't think he even knew I existed, save for that one time when I hassled him about my inhaler. I don't even know if he knew my name (though everyone else at that place does). Hell I don't even know *his* name and he came out of their little pharmacy cubbyhole to tell me this. Did I really look that bad? Did he somehow know that 6 months after the correct (and I'm going to assume here, *final*) diagnosis that I would still be sick? Or is everyone afraid to tell me that this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life...I have to ask ---

Is this as good as it gets?

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November 2010
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