Log in

No account? Create an account


Looking out the window, gray skies, blue hues, and watching my hand against the glass…sitting in the car and hearing this song………..it was so long ago I seems. And everything matched the weather, the rain, the smell of wet wood, the smell of rain and that very organic smell of rotting, wet wood. My hand seemed so foreign an object, yet right in front of my face. Everything moved slowly, everything moved to the pace of the drizzling, methodical rain. The motion of the car rocked me gently back and forth, ever so slightly. The blue hues, the gray light, my pale hand, the glass reflecting green, green, grass. And I’d close my eyes and it got harder to breathe, but it continued. It wasn’t for a long time that I realized the song had a happy ending.

And there I was, 17 years old. Not so long ago, but I was still stupid enough.

Sep. 15th, 2005

Talking to Matt:

(12:17:04 AM): well, i really like hanging out with my friends, especially my new acquaintances, but they are all guys. i mean ALL guys. It seems as though every single guy I know subconsciously wants to fuck me or something. So they make alot of sexist jokes around me and I dunno why. And if I ask them nicely to stop then they claim I am blowing it out of proportion/they are just kidding/I'm too senstive/i'm being a feminist ect...
(12:17:39 AM): So basically I feel like all of my friends want me around to be a pretty thing. To be a nice piece of meat. A goal to achieve. A thing to obtain.
(12:17:47 AM): I am not a person
(12:18:11 AM): I am merely a pretty thing. The fact that I am a nude model makes it all the more obtainable (seeing me naked)
(12:18:18 AM): and they joke about that
(12:18:25 AM): And I feel like such an object
(12:18:43 AM): and they say they are just kidding. but they do it constantly. I can't take it anymore
(12:18:59 AM): i feel like an object.
(12:19:08 AM): ::sigh:: and that's....my problem.

Matt is the only one who doesn't make me feel like this. He says "thats cause sometimes i feel not like a guy." It makes sense. But what do I do? I can't relate to girls and boys make me miserable. And I can't help but cry because I don't know who to turn to. What should I do?

They make me feel like an object.
I always thought I was so much more to them.
I fucking hate you so much right now, Josephine. When did you become so spoiled and so selfish? When did you become so lazy and so irresponsible? When did you become so self-centered and so flaky?

But I've got to hand it to ya, you're a good backstabber.
I wanna curl up with Ben. Oh I wish...

::sigh:: I feel a little alone.

Drunkie time

I'm still kinda drunk. I know it's bad to drink to make yourself feel better just because you're pissed off but still, I did it anyway. And you know what? It made me feel better. I had two ounces of vodka by myself on the computer and then hung out with a high Matt and a somehwat buzzed Jake. I had two more ounces. And man am I a lightweight. But damn, why do those dopamine receptors work so fucking well? I don't get it! I work with rats that get higher than the highest fucking kite and they seem miserable. But Matt seems happier than he ever did with Josephine when he's on weed. Man, fucking dopamine is great. Go D2 recpetors. You are all my best friends.

Today I learned that like EVERYONE will fuck you over except a select few. I have realized that I only have 2 friends that I have trusted 100%. One is dead and the other is Mandi. I love Mandi so much, I realized tonight. She would bail me out of jail if need be and I would bail her out. She is like a bright star in the night sky and it seems all of my other stars have gone dim. I'm so dissapointed.

But I feel good because of the alcohol. God, I feel like that's a bad thing but it's true. It's all neurochemistry anyway right? How can I fight it???

Am I wrong to drink in those circumstances? Ah, one of my truer friends, Kevin, he says so. But he's done it too. Oh well.

It's too bad Jonathan left the lab today. He was cute. I dunno if it's a bad thing that I fantasize alot about being with guys other than Ben. Maybe??? I thought it was normal. Oh well, if I weren't dating Ben I would have fucked him, he's cute. But Ben's smile is pretty damn difficult to top, when I get down to it.

Rhys Evans left recently too. Now HE was fucking HOT. Hot British accent, hot body, hot face, hot everything. Though his smile still couldn't top Ben's. But he was hot. Nice eye candy.

The new guy at our lab is named Darren and he's Irish. Not as hot as Rhys but still pretty cute. Do-able, in my opinion, though he seems a little uneasy (and thus seems a tad bit awkward for some reason). Ah well.

MY SEX DRIVE SUCKS! I wonder sometimes if that's because all of the medications I take have destroyed it. Awesome.


I gotta go to work tomorrow. I gotta go to sleep. Man I feel good and feel like a loser at the same time. How is that even possible???

Things that make you go 'hmmmm'

The other day at the lab, Jerry said something to the extent of, "The only things you'll ever regret in life are the things you didn't do."

paper - to copy

When I first discussed this article in class with a group I did not have a whole sense of the article, since I could only read the first page (the one I received). Based on the introduction of cooperative learning and the basic comparisons the authors made to individualistic and competitive learning, cooperative learning seemed to be a great concept. However, when I read the article in its entirety, I realized that the comments of another group in class raised some very good arguments; the article talks vaguely about studies but cites no specific studies to back up the information. Admittedly, my first impression of the article in class was, “Oh, this sounds like a good idea. This sounds like the authors know what they are talking about, I’ll trust them.” However, on second thought, I should have been more critical. I tend to take things and people at face value and I should be far more critical, especially of publications by authors I have not read before.
The lack of citations of specific studies to back up their point and the vague implementations for cooperative learning in the classroom do not seem to be as helpful as I would have hoped. For instance, if I were a teacher, I would not find this article helpful at all except to define cooperative learning and to list its positive points. However, the factor that bothered me the most about this article was that the author’s references consisted of only their own previous publications! I have never in my entire life seen a research article where the only references were the authors themselves. Perhaps this article was meant to be more of an opinionated piece, but it seemed to try for an objective, empirical tone without the facts and statistics to back it up. This article has taught me to look at the references page from now on and not just glance at it. Just because the list is long, that does not necessarily mean it is full of differing opinions.
Despite the problems with validity I saw in this article, cooperative learning does sound like a good educational investment. It is true that today more and more companies need employees who can work as a team to come up with ideas and solutions. However, the workplace is also competitive and cutthroat, just like much of our country’s current educational system. This article and the in-class discussion of educational motivation really made me think about why I get the grades that I do. I realized, with some dismay, that I have defined much of my self worth by my grades, and that the stress that comes with that type of expectation has probably caused me many problems. Perhaps I could benefit from a little cooperative learning, it seems less stressful and more positive than the mindset of “I have to be better than everyone else to prove my self worth.”

I am loved

Fresachi (2:49:08 AM): im about to go to bed but i just wanted to say im thinking of you and you are awesomeeee
Fresachi (2:49:09 AM): =)
Fresachi is away at 2:51:52 AM.
A Concave Scream (2:56:06 AM): awwwwwwww you're so sweet!
Auto response from Fresachi (2:56:07 AM): where is my mind?
A Concave Scream (2:56:14 AM): i <3 you muchly!

I just finished a paper, tomorrow promises to be a pretty day, I am currently squeaky clean, and my friends and boyfriend are the best. Life is good.

Makes me happy

lg martian (10:59:52 PM): moo moo moo! i love you!